After a month off feeling absolutely deflated and unmotivated for life and my gym workouts (which i sometimes rely on for mental health),
I trained today. I woke up early and did my usual morning routine which made me feel like I was in control again.
As I persevere through the reps and trying to build up the momentum and the mental callous to keep me going I reminded myself I have been doing this since age 19 years old.
I know this game too well.
That little thought fuelled me and also took me back to my young self.
One thought lead to another. To be honest feeling the feelings of a 19 year old me didn't sit well with me earlier this morning.
I was trying to find that same excitement I had when I first joined a gym. When I had first learnt about fitness, only my memory gave me an unpleasant feedback.
Aged 19 I recall stepping into the gym with NO idea what to do but doing an hour run on a treadmill had me feel so empowered, so in control. So fearless so... Just a wow feeling.
I had spectators in the gym watching me and some till this day tell me how my enthusiasm kept them motivated while they trained.
Physical training has always taught me to resilient, to overcome obstacles and to stay focused. Yet I had this side of me that had no confidence, and my bitch rest face could have easily been mistaken for being stuck up and arrogant.
But when I was 19 years old, fresh outa uni I didn't have much to hold onto and I realised my gym workouts came from a place of
self rejection. Self doubt and Self loathe.
I hated my body, I hated how my hair looked. I didn't like anything that starred back at me in the mirror. I was in a weird space trying to figure it all out.
So with every mile I ran. Every heavy set I lifted I was fighting.
It was me vs me.
I had an eating disorder and if you looked closely into my eyes you would have seen me lost at battle with myself.
I had a smile that used to hide every emotion.
I needed help and anger was a close friend for many years.
Anger a silent close friend if I'm honest.
The enemy wasn't anyone else but myself.
I fueled every workout with anger. I was angry against the world at that age I had no emotional intelligence and would pop at any given moment. Recklessly I would punish my body and push my mental ability to stay that extra min on a long run.
I incurred a lot of injuries and recovery wasn't a thing then. I would grit down harder and still push through it. I was obsessed with how I looked (yet at my best I still thought I was fat and when you feel fat your thinking makes you feel ugly too) I was also obsessed with that voice that kept telling me I wasn't good enough so every day I tried to prove that voice wrong. For that few hours my workouts was the only source I attached a meaning for my self worth, that I mattered and I was strong.
This morning as I tried to bring back that fire, it didn't sit well.
I didnt want to be that nazia ever again.
Everything came from a place of destruction and frustration and I wasn't her anymore.
Yes I was deflated but I had to remind myself to be gentle with everything I do now.
Although I learnt to forgive and move on it was a wave of sadness when I looked back at that younger self but was so grateful that I was able to change and when I workout now I do it out of kindness. I respect this body that gives me life everyday.
I honour this body but mostly its my mind I honour more.
I was able to take myself out of that self rejection, self hate and instead pour love and care.
Overcoming the old self into the new one took years of work and patience. I had spent years working on the cause of my pitfalls at the time which has now built a better and strong foundation for me to show up as I am.
At some point we all need to figure out why we do the things we do.
Maybe I needed a month out to feel like crap because I can now enjoy the small steps back to joy and happiness.
21 year old vs 36 year old me