Holding onto myself

For as long as I can remember I have been holding onto this dream I created at the time I decided to be a fitness trainer.

I went into the deep end and ended up hating the way the fitness industry treated trainers. I was unemployed for the best of 2 years which led me into depression.

It was in those two years I had to dig deep.
To find myself a thousand times over, maybe more.

Each year I made  promises to myself but lack of self belief always made me do a U turn to the old crappy habits and ways. I ended up making false promises to myself again and again.

I wrote down big goals and dreams and every year I failed.

I fought with myself in a way I felt like i was at war and did not ever see light. In those two years I woke up every day with a negative  attitude and felt let down by life and people around me.

Of course I became angry and bitter and naturally saw the worst in everything.

I had a choice , to either go back to a 9 to 5 job or to persevere, but i was already in this victim mode mentality, feeling sorry for myself all the time.

I chose to persevere,  mainly because I knew deep down I would never live with myself had I not given myself a chance at doing something I loved.

I knew I had something  great to offer, I just did not know at the time what it was.

It was hard for me to accept I was faced with depression, even worse accepting the facts I was constantly having suicidal dreams which again was telling me that maybe death was better than going through this pain of trying to be something I wasn't and being a failure or a huge disappointment to my family.

For two years I trained harder than i could. My boxing days taught me how to just HOLD ON when I wanted to give up on the last rep or pull back in the last min when the punches landed too hard. There is a beauty in redemption 

For two years as much as I hated myself i HELD ON to something I could not see, deep down I resonated with the word FAITH.

In that time, I had to re -define the word STRONG and what it meant for me. 
I had to make friends with VULNERABILITY
I had to feel all of my FEARS
ACCEPT  I wasn't ok
Become aware of my TOXIC persona
Recreate parts of Nazia in a way I had never seen myself

HOLDING ON meant I sat on that prayer mat crying my eyes off days on end, 
Asking god just to help me see through what I had started or to show me signs it was worth holding onto.

And God always did,  through the clients that worked with me.

Each time someone changed and transformed,  I would be in joy knowing it was because of me they made it to where they wanted to be. They gave me so much strength too without even realising it.

I prayed hard and long and I will never forget the times I would just cry in public because I
was mentally and physically so exhausted from not knowing how to do things or unsure whether this dream would work out.

Today holding on also showed me I have everything I once prayed for and anxiety kicked in again as I tried to make sense of the next chapter of evolving this year.

HOLDING ON meant I had to let go of what others thought of me and do what was best for me.

I had to choose my own happiness and create my own path.

When I was met with darkness no one could help me unless i was ready to help myself. The people on my journey, only showed up when I made a decision that I had had enough of  going round in circles.

The truth of holding on meant I had to do all the inner work and face my demons in a way many people escape from.

In facing my demons I also let myself free of the noise and expectations that was placed upon me.

SO WHATEVER you may be going through now just remember to hold on to yourself no matter what happens.

The reality of the truth is always painful at first but slowly it eases off and it will serve you well in the long run.

Looking back all the inner talk was me just projecting out into the universe what I wanted I just had to align with it all. It eventually works out when you show up as ready!!!!!

Here is to everyone wanting more out of themselves in 2020 and actually learning to work with their flaws, their highs and lows.

Remember everything happens twice, once in our thoughts then in the real world.

#Recreate #Rebuild #Reborn

ps I am still holding on btw now more than ever because 2020 we take what is ours 

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